DEAR DODGE 01: Career guidance for dummies

Can I claim a Lamborghini as a business expense? -Alfonso
No problem. The best way is to tell the tax man that it’s an Uber. Admittedly, Uber don’t allow vehicles with less than 4 doors but the people who work for the tax office probably won’t know that otherwise they’d have a better job than reading spreadsheets for a living.


I lost my job and need some money to pay the bills and my uncontrollable drug habit. What’s the quickest way to do this? -Steve
Knock up a load of sample packs and sell them on Splice. To be honest, you can probably just nick a load of samples from other sample packs, stick a bit of reverb and OTT on everything and sell it as your own creation. Trust me, you’ll make a killing.

My business partner has moved abroad and refuses to help me out with any day to day tasks, such as milking goats or cleaning dead rodents out from under the downstairs shower. What should I do? -Anonymous
Fuski? Is that you?

My dad keeps telling me that music isn’t a real job and that I should pursue a respectable career such as dentistry or taxidermy. How do I convince him that I’m going to be a famous Hardstyle DJ? -Mark
Let’s face it Mark, he’s probably got a point. It’s 2019 mate nobody listens to that shit any more. I’ve probably got some old floppy disks with some horrendously distorted kick drum samples with no sub bass on them laying around, I’ll send them to you. Good luck with that.

Any tips on promoting my next release? I'm an independent artist and I don't know how to generate hype online -Kevin
Basically what you need to do is make a fuck load of noise. People react to 3 things the most online - controversy, scantily clad women and expensive items. So, make a video of a stripper in a Ferrari playing your new tune and then call somebody a cunt on Twitter for no reason in the post. If you can tie it into an argument about Brexit or Trump somehow too that will probably be a bonus. Hope this helps.

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